So, I'm a SAHM, one of the most difficult and rewarding jobs I've ever had. On any given day I can usually have my happiest and saddest moments...well, lately the happiest don't seem to be happening. It's not really Kid Jedi's fault, he's still the same child that I've had for the past 5 years, it's mine. We've been going through a lot this year with Kid Jedi and his preschool. To say that he had a few problems in adjusting is putting it mildly. I spent the second half of the year picking him up early on an almost daily basis, keep in mind he only was in school for 2-1/2 hours a day. We wound up going through our district's child study team and in the end found out that he should have been in a preschool that was more structured with smaller classes and more academics. Academically he was beyond what the preschool was teaching and socially he was behind the other kids, the teacher, well, they weren't impressed with her but wouldn't say anything to her about it. They also advised that when other kids act up, he does too but doesn't know how to stop and settle by himself. We are working on getting some coping mechanisms in place for him so next year will be better.
Anyway, like I said the way I've been feeling really isn't his fault, his behavior issues just made how I was feeling worse. Well, I kind of had a meltdown today and my wonderful husband and I discussed a few things that need to change in our home, nothing major, really just superficial things like organizing things, getting rid of clutter, things everyone has to do at sometime, but one thing he said to me, which is prompting this post, is that I need to figure out how to be happy with myself again. I don't really know the last time I was happy with myself and I'm not really sure why either. I'll be working this out here for a while I assume.
One thing I do know is my spiritual life is lacking, I've been looking for a church home, I found a church I really liked but I really wanted something a little closer so Kid Jedi would be able to participate in evening Bible study/AWANA type things...there's a closer church that a little boy from Kid Jedi's preschool class attends and I will be attending there to see what the services are like. But really, I just feel so far removed from God that it hurts.
Another thing I discovered in thinking today is that I really need to get over my perfectionist tendencies and competitiveness. My perfectionism paralyzes me at times, I tend to want things done so perfectly and I know I can't achieve that level so nothing gets done. I also compare myself, and my son and everything else, to everyone else and of course I never measure up, intellectually I know that I'm just as good of a mother and wife as everyone else, but I only see the aspects where I have difficulties and they don't seem to.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life, I love my husband and son more than anything in this world, they are my light. I just don't love me, I'm not happy with my weight, I'm not happy with how I clean house, I'm not happy that I will be going back to work next year. I miss being really happy about things, I used to be that girl that always smiled, now I feel like it's a chore to put on a happy face and the stress of Kid Jedi's issues at school and in certain social situations just makes it worse.
I know it will get better, and I know I need to work through a lot, and that's why I'm here writing at 1:00 in the morning, because I know, deep down, I really do know that I am worth taking care of and I am worth having a pleasant home, and I am worth just as much as anyone else.
Now if I could just move those feelings from my brain to my heart, I'll be good. Please bear with me as I go through all of this.